/shit seat. good seat. good seat. sigh.
/kath’s luggage vs my luggage.
It’s been a pretty busy week. With the end of Qubic, the never ending shooting at Fashion Week and the uncertainty of my future to come, I find myself il-prepared to be heading to New York (mentally. perhaps physically.. Kath’s bags were 21kg, mine were only 6.5kg..I must have forgotten to pack something, or she’s just..crazy). It seems so strange to be heading away again when i’ve just been back in New Zealand for a month or so. I’ve always wanted to be in America, in fact entire bodies of work at Elam were simply based around the idea of suburbia and the American ideal. Yet now that it’s happening I can’t help but feel a little.. dull about it. Excitement will come, don’t get me wrong- it’s just one of those moments.
It’s interesting being on a plane, trying to pass these next twelve hours but nothing you do, nothing I can do can make it go any faster. No matter how many movies, tv shows or any of the above I watch.. I feel nothing changes. As the clock approaches 1am, i’m wide awake and feeling pretty awful.
I always find myself in deep thought when i’m on the plane. I’ve been watching a documentary by Louis Theroux on dementia, and the extreme lengths one goes through to keep those they love safe.
I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to have grown with someone only to watch them fade away from you. I never really thought of dementia to be anything more than the deterioration of ones mental ability- yet in the doco they brought up that in some ways it could be rather.. peaceful- to relive a moment in their life over and over again. Imagine your life now, and reliving it again in fifty years time. I know what moment i’d want to live again..Is there not something beautiful about that? It’s like being on the other end of euthanasia, not seeing what they see but hoping for happiness.
Just before taking off I received a message from someone quite dear to me, simple words and a picture, but once again enough to torture my mind to be so far apart. Someone I try to forget about these days yet it’s infinitely impossible to me. I’m sure they’ll be someone I love forever, i’d certainly go to all ends for them. It’s a pity the time I want to pass here on this plane is the time I want back to relive my chosen moment again and again. So I find myself having a sentimental moment at the back of the plane, nine hours until we reach destination.
Despite the people i’ve met, the experiences, the opportunities, it’s times like these I get a kick in the gut and irrationally think life can be pretty unfair.
My friend Satu once told me there are people who find partners, have babies, stay in their own countries and then there are people who will never be settled, never be quite happy where they are.. I’m one of those. That worries me.