An uneasy restlessness has settled over me from the second hour into the flight. This is perhaps the longest flight i’ve ever been on (figuratively speaking. The 30 hour something last year was three times as long, but not near as bad). I’m fine with flying, never any fears of what could be (see tv show LOST) and in my old(er) age i’ve grown out of the nausea that built up in my head upon entering a plane. There have been several occasions where i’ve thrown up prior to the plane taking off. I believe this is a trait from being a ‘Lowe’ (over think, over analyze, hell in your own head).
I am seated in 28J, a window seat just short of the business class section. A good seat, with lots of room but a little annoying as I can’t find a charger for my laptop or USB input for my phone that you’d normally find on the backs of seats, so i’m rationing what little battery I have left on both devices. Currently on my 682nd cycle with my macbook pro, i’d assume it won’t be long before this dies completely. Most, who’ll read this, already know me so speaking my mind isn’t such as big of a deal as it should be when putting it out there on a public forum. And perhaps if you don’t know me yet, you will soon.. or maybe you won’t want to afterwards.
I’ve found myself seated next to two korean boys, I believe aged around my age (early 20′s) – i’ve had to gage how old they are by constantly turning my head, in which i’ve grabbed one of their attention.. I can only hope the font size (like my handwriting) is too small for anyone else to read it but me. They seem to be engrossed in their movies though, i’d say what they are watching but the screens are only visible from certain angles (as I have learnt the hard way in the past.. on a flight from Hong Kong to Seoul I thought I was helping a middle aged woman by turning on her television for her, when in fact I had just turned it off.
As I mentioned before, the ‘Lowe’ traits, I like to think of life a little more romantically than they actually are. Every time I sit down on an aeroplane I’d at least hope there’d be someone cute sitting next to me. Sarah was talking to me earlier about how fun it is to travel with someone, i’d had forgotten about how it was until now.. now that I have seen every single movie (worth watching) on offer on Korean Air, my fault.. I go through more movies than your average film critic, so I find myself bored to death..restless as fuck, and constantly checking the live map only to see that we are just passing over a tiny island named ‘Agana’ (east of the Philippines) yet STILL another four hours to go.
Earlier today I had this idea that i’d stay up late, if not all night so i’d be forced to crash on the plane. After chatting late with a new friend of mine, I have come to the conclusion that our conversation over hilarious youtube lady (quote: “Ryan Gosling, He’s sexy. I’m aware”), and love of things kawaii~ gwiyeopda, and old photobooth photos it was not entirely my best idea. While i’d happily stay awake and chat all night.. I am now unable to sleep. I sit here wide eyed with a feeling stewing in my stomach of what is to happen next. If this plane ever lands that is..
Arriving in Seoul is probably one of the most stressful situations I can think of. My Korean lessons, though great, have only taken me so far. My muscles, though great, are barely enough to travel with a bicycle and two bags on my back.. I remember the last time I missed my bus stop and had to drag the bike box a few stops to meet Numi. Here again I fear i’ll face the same situation. I know now i’m a little more prepared though- or I hope I am.
Seoul has been a big part of my life. I’ve been thinking about the people and persons I left here about 9 months ago almost everyday. A lot has changed since then, a few of them are now happily married, engaged, moved to different cities and even different countries. Expectation is a hard to thing to drop, but I can only hope that going back will bring a new experience, and a new reason to keep coming back. Like I said, it’s the motherland (just not mine..yet).
Realization is a funny thing, I can pine so much and for so long over someone.. but it can be taken away so quickly. I struggle to come to terms with my sentimental romantic glasses I view the world through everyday despite knowing the plots and flaws in taking action. So this time round I think i’m a little wiser, a little older (and while i’m here, I will be turning twenty four) and I would like to believe i’m in more control over my own mind. I still act on my romantic perception, but I hope now, this time, i’ll know when it’s real, and when it’s just me. I love Korea, I hope she still loves me too.